You Grow Through What You Go Through
I felt like I had a motor inside me that was shaking.
I felt my lips start to spasm and then pucker my right eye starting blinking then eye-rolling. It was happening again and this time it was making up for lost time. I looked like I was doing crunches and got stuck and couldn’t release. Then my left leg would move up and down. Tears ran down my face because of the pain and reality that I had to just let it pass because I couldn’t stop it.
This lasted on and off for more than two hours. It came on with a slow build and stayed steady like a hurricane then it stopped and left me exhausted. I felt like I spent the whole day in a gym lifting heavy weights without someone to help me.
What are Non-Epileptic Seizures?
I have been dealing with non-epileptic seizures since I was 18 years old. Non-Epileptic Seizures look like seizures but the causes are not psychological which don't make them any less real. I know that now but then I thought it was just anxiety. This article explains in more detail about this condition.
Since January of 2020, for the first time or few times that I can count, I went 6 months without having a seizure. I was so amazed and so hopeful that maybe this condition had run its course and I would be free. I could take back what it took from me. For example, my license, which has been suspended since last year. Not that there is anywhere ”to go” these days.
I will be honest as I write this post I am on the other side of working on my mindset about this recent relapse. But when it happened I felt so disappointed, sad, and like I “failed” at being strong enough to stop these seizure episodes.
I had the seizure in the morning and my son comes to me in the bed because he had just put on his clothes for our meeting for worship and he told me “mommy I look nice.” How precious is he? But my heart ached because I couldn’t respond to him. See during these episodes I become non-responsive. I can hear all that is going on but my mouth won’t speak.
Once the episode was over I had to use my notes app on my phone to communicate with my husband. My speech is the last to return.
It’s moments like that I feel sad.
You will hear me talk on many occasions about self-compassion and that is because it is something that I was missing in difficult times of relapse or struggle. My default is to beat myself up. Saying things like “What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you strong enough to “fight” this?” Those thoughts only served to break me down emotionally and take the energy I had left and squandered it.
I mentioned how much I loved self-help because I wanted to change and make myself better but I was using shame and guilt to motivate me to do better which did not feel great or have lasting change.
What Seizures have taught me?
When I learned the fact that love is and will always be the best foundation to change something about myself and it started with my thoughts. It wasn’t for when I didn’t have seizures or I was getting all the boxes checked and doing all that I wanted to do.
No self-compassion was needed on times like this when I had two seizures in a month. I need it when a simple task of cleaning my room put me in a fibromyalgia flareup for two weeks. It’s when I want to concentrate but it takes me much longer to focus and accomplish one task.
My Life Hack
Besides my faith which gives me purpose strength, guidance and hope to anchor me, Self-compassion is my life hack. Why? Because it doesn’t require my circumstances or me to be at my “ideal”. They can be right where they are. Outside circumstances I can’t control. Even what is happening to my body I can’t control and that can feel discouraging but if I focus on what I can control and that’s how I speak to myself and how I will choose to see my situation that feels empowering.
I have learned as my dad would remind me that the glass is half full. Now I am not one to promote positivity that is in denial of reality. That was a mistake I used to make. Asking myself why I couldn’t shake this grief over my health.
This is why hardship can be like Lisa Nichols mentions a “gift wrapped in sandpaper”. It is not easy, fun or ideal but it is a gift in that it showed me what was not working and what I could do to support myself better in challenging times.
I learned the power of allowing space for feeling grief, disappointment and validating those feelings. I had to do that first or I would not be able to move to the next steps of acceptance, reframing how I looked at my situation, gratitude, and ultimately peace.
I am human I will feel painful emotions and when I release them through prayer, writing, like I am now, and therapy; then they don’t stay stuck in my body.
I have felt at times my seizures were alarms that let me know when I have not been enforcing boundaries, going beyond my limits, or being harsh in how I am thinking.
I have learned that fighting my anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia or seizures made them more intense and flareups last longer. The more loving, validating, and forgiving I could be to myself the smoother the relapse went. It didn’t magically make the struggle disappear. It just made it a lot more tolerable and I did get back up quicker; not as quick as I would like but quicker.
Compassionate Intentions
So my intention is to see this recent seizure as an opportunity to practice
Validating my pain.
Forgiving myself for any harsh thoughts.
Committing to talking to myself like I do to those I love.
Commit to being a support when I need it most.
To the moms that have a chronic illness and struggle with guilt and inadequacy please know your condition does not define you, your strength to show up and not give up (even if you want to) are what define you. Don’t underestimate what it takes to keep getting back up after each flareup. You can still give your child the best of you which is your love that has no limits and that is ENOUGH.
