It's Ok Moms ... And I'll Tell You Why

I am not going to speak for all moms. Because not all moms feel the way I do. I can only speak for how I feel and my own experience and for that one mom out there who can relate. You don’t have to have “postpartum” to feel like running away, escaping, going back to the way it was before you had a child. Especially if its your first and your still adjusting to the huge responsibility of taking care of a dependent child. It makes sense.

I’m going to tackle the elephant in the room. There were a lot times I didn’t want to be a mom. I love children and I had a desire to be a mom but not with chronic illness. It is just as hard as I imagined. I don’t know what it’s like to be a mom without chronic illness. I know it’s not impossible to do. Yet having a choice I chose not to. As life would have it I got pregnant. I remember a close friend telling me that unless all my husband and I did was just color together there is always a chance that I could have an unplanned pregnancy. Well, she was right. 

Now some may think this is a Debbie downer, Negative Nancy kind of post. Especially because there are women out there wishing for the “struggle” that I have. I have had my share of “there are others worse off than you” lectures. One of my goals with this blog is being ‘compassionately real’ about things I struggle with. So stick with me until the end of this article, I promise to give some hope. When I was having a hard time while pregnant and being a new mom, other courageous women’s blogs gave me comfort. Knowing I was not the only one. Sometimes the blog gave me validation for how I felt. Motherhood can really feel isolating at times. Especially when your struggling with physical and emotional.  So I am willing to put out my raw feelings because they are real, they make me human. And you know why it’s really ok to feel how you feel right now…

Because feelings are not facts! That is deep! Think about that. Feelings are not facts. They are telling me information about how I am processing an event or situation. Another comforting fact about feelings especially strong and painful ones; they come and they go. They may stay for longer than you expect, or come back sooner than you want them to; but they do give you a “break” and then you feel some relief. For me, those moments of despair from sleep deprivation and feeling my sanity slipping, I did get some relief when I would hear a coo, or when my son finally smiled at me. It gave me some relief. I am definitely learning a compassionate practice of observing and acknowledging my pain without judgment. Judgment like “I’m a bad mom for feeling this way”. No, I am learning to say “Wow today is a painful day”. 



Here’s another reason why it’s ok to feel the way you do. Because your love is greater than your painful feelings. It is! I will admit as much as I imagined the challenges and hardships, I did not see myself making it through as long as I have. I could not have imagined the intensity of love I would feel for my son and the joy of being present for all his milestones in his life. The times I wanted and still at times want to check out and not be a mom have come and gone. I am still here. Still fighting, still feeling, still loving my way through.

Love, the one that is not rooted in temporary sentiment, the principled love that makes hard choices to endure. That love has NEVER failed me and it won’t fail you mom. That love will help you acknowledge your own pain. I had to first acknowledge my painful feelings and not judge myself as bad or wrong because of them. Then I was able to move on to love a lot faster and with less suffering on the way. I am realizing it is a daily choice though. I can’t just say it once and done. Then the next month when I want to check out again, I am not judging myself for being at this low place again. I can say “I see you want to give up and escape and your exhausted from fighting today, and that is ok.”

Let that marinate, being there for yourself like that. That is self compassion that shows you love. There are so many things out there on how to be a “good or perfect mom”. There are many tools to help us be the best we can be. For me I am a recovering perfectionist. I get addicted to “fixing” myself. What I have learned is before I can get to solutions, I must acknowledge where I am and not make myself feel that until I get to the improved me that is when I can give myself compassion.

That point in the middle of being at the end of your rope and being able to cope is compassion.

Compassion for the struggle. So to that one mom out there who feels defeated, hopeless, angry, frustrated, anxious, exhausted, weary. Your NOT a bad mom, you DO love your child or children, your just having a painful moment that make you human. That pain is also telling you something. It did for me, it told me I can’t do it alone. It’s ok to ask for help, it’s ok to be scared to ask for help too. Find out what you need and if your able get it. Not all are able to get the help they need or have those around them that “get it” or compassionate. This is why I have learned that I can do that for myself. Give myself the validation of how I feel, that I don’t have to compare myself to another mom who has it worse to minimize my struggle. They say take it a day at a time, when your a struggling mom a day maybe too overwhelming to think about. It’s ok to take it a second at a time if need be. Just get through the second then minute, then hour and you will have made it through the day to see a week, month and years. I made it through all the worst days of the past 2 and half years. I am confident you will too. 

I would love to know in the comments below what helped you survive a painful mom day?