The Invisible Struggle

 I’ve never been mugged before but emotionally I feel I have. I was minding my own business trying to do things I enjoy and here comes depression and anxiety. Rolling up on me like two thugs, immobilizing me. If you’ve never experienced depression and anxiety in that way you won’t understand how I feel. You won’t get how much work it takes just getting through the day without giving up. It takes EVERYTHING I have, cause I’m exhausted! I have told you about my Invisibles (illness that no one can see). The non epileptic seizures and the fibromyalgia, but I have not fully shared about my mental health struggles. Sometimes they all gang up on me and take turns giving me painful blows. 

Depressed in the Summer?

I expect lows in the winter time but the low I have been experiencing the past few years in late July into the fall has continued to throw me for a loop. When the sun is shining and I don’t want to go outside, it doesn’t make sense to me. But depression doesn’t care if the sun is out.  I feel exhausted and maybe it’s because around that part of summer the heat is intense and that drains my energy and causes a fibro flareup. Not wanting to face the heat keeps me inside and then the cycle begins of wanting to withdraw from others. Whatever the cause, depression is here and doesn’t show signs of moving quickly. 

Anxiety and Depression take turns with whose on top. Anxiety has not left me since I began having panic attacks when I was 19. It has changed in it’s intensity depending on the stressors in my life. It can be draining and consuming, swallowing you whole. I feel Depression is my body’s way of saying I’m done with this constant red alert, it’s too much so we have to shut you down.

I was Naive

I have learned ways to cope with anxiety and depression, but I naively thought that just knowledge alone protected me from the emotional “mugging”. It’s an ONGOING effort to put what I learn into practice. It is all too easy to get caught up when things feel good to think that depression and anxiety have left me. All to be reminded when another cycle presents itself. 

The month of September is Suicide Prevention month. Mental health struggles don’t happen just once a month but it definitely helps that there is so much more talk and awareness about mental illness and trying to remove the stigma because it affects so many. I definitely am NOT a mental health professional so my goal is not to give advice in that way.  I just want to share my experience and hope you see yourself in my story, know you're not alone and gain some insight from what has worked for me.

I won’t be talking about medications. I have tried them without relief although for MANY they are a life saver literally. I found FOR ME that although it can help take the edge off and help stabilize it did not turn off the things that did not serve my mental health, such as:

• the painful racing thoughts

•  the negative thinking patterns

• the fears and phobias

• the self hatred

• the perfectionism

• Not giving myself permission to rest or say no

• not having emotional boundaries

• being inflexible to depressive cycles that affected my stamina and performance.

• I found my diet and lifestyle was a HUGE factor in how I felt too. Sugar is definitely a trigger for my anxiety and non epileptic seizures.

How I Cope

It’s not one thing but the sum of them all that I can cope.

My faith is my anchor and gives me hope, my God Jehovah has continued to hold onto my right hand and keep me from giving up. He has given me divine wisdom, a hope to look forward to when this pain won’t come up in my heart, strength to endure, comfort and unfailing love through beautiful people I have in my life.  

Talk therapy has been beyond invaluable to maintaining my mental health. Especially to work on the list I mentioned in the last paragraph of all the unhealthy mental habits that did not serve me. It takes ALOT of ONGOING work to replace those unhealthy things with love. Different stressful seasons in life can bring out things you thought were gone but present themselves differently. Therapy provides me a supportive space where I can share my pain, learn coping skills such as mindfulness and how to have emotional boundaries.

Self-love through self-compassion and acceptance play a HUGE role in coping with mental illness. The reality is that although there is more awareness and talk about mental illness, it still carries stigma and shame. When I practice self love that allows me to get out of a depressive cycle much faster than when I beat myself up.

Writing has always been a healer for me. I have over 27 journals that I have kept from the first time my mom gave me a journal at 10 years old. Writing helps me purge and release what I have bottled up inside. There’s nothing like having paper to release to. It doesn’t judge you it allows you to get out all your thoughts out without interruption or censoring. Lately, I have allowed myself to get way from this practice but writing this blog post reminds me of the important of releasing.

Sharing Eradicates Isolation

A beautiful butterfly on Instagram said to me that sharing eradicates isolation! That so resonated with me because I feel sharing one’s story definitely helps us feel less alone. All of our experiences and pain are unique to us but the feelings that come can definitely be relatable. I remember many a time when I was in a dark place and read someone’s story and felt less alone. it was just what I needed. I appreciate all the courageous bloggers who shared their experiences and that inspired me to do the same. 

Although I started this article saying that depression and anxiety were thugs, I have learned to change my perspective of them. I realize they can show me when I have lost my way. When I am getting back to things that don’t serve me. They can be alarms sounding off to protect me. When I listen, I am better for it. They have helped me rely on Jehovah more, pursue therapy, self love and this blog. Don’t get me wrong I can be doing it all “right” and according to plan and they still come up and those times I really get practice in surrender and allowing space for them. Using that time to get more practice in self love.

In my next post I will talk about how motherhood has been my biggest stressor and yet greatest gift to to my mental health. 

Do you deal with mental illness? If, so how do you cope? Share your story in the comments or feel free to email me at naturallygraysful@gmail.com. Remember you never know who you will inspire to not give up from sharing! Feel free to share this post with someone who needs it. Sharing is Caring 💞

Give yourself some compassion today, and let the butterfly be proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness and STILL become something beautiful. 🦋